Relapse with Intention: Reclaiming Personal Agency in Recovery

I was watching a TV program recently, and as usual, the depiction of a character in recovery followed a familiar, anxiety-inducing script. The person in recovery was portrayed as fragile, walking a tightrope over the abyss of relapse. Their friends and family watched them with wary eyes, bracing for the inevitable fall. The character, too, lived in fear of their own perceived weakness, constantly reassuring everyone that they were fine and that they wouldn’t slip.

It’s as if “recovery” itself has become an entity, something to be feared, tiptoed around, and monitored with bated breath. These portrayals don’t just exist on television — they mirror real life. The idea that a person in recovery is forever at risk, perpetually under surveillance by themselves and others, is exhausting. Even worse, it strips them of personal agency. The moment they struggle, it’s met with shame and failure instead of curiosity and self-compassion.

We often hear, “Relapse is part of recovery.” If that’s true, then why can’t we treat it with the same love and grace we would any other setback in life? Why does a single decision to drink or engage in any numbing behavior immediately define a person’s worth and progress? What if, instead of shame, we approached it with integrity, respect, and a sense of conscious awareness?

Not All Struggles Look the Same

Not everyone who has learned to rely on alcohol or other coping mechanisms experiences the same level of persistence or intensity. Many of my clients, for example, are women who didn’t start drinking to numb until they were well into their prime years. They aren’t reckless or living on the edge of disaster. In fact, they are highly aware of their habits, yet they find it difficult to stop altogether. Their struggle is more subtle — less about dangerous binges and more about the slow erosion of personal agency, the feeling of being tethered to something they no longer want but aren’t sure how to release.

Their experience isn’t about chaos but about quiet discontent. And yet, the mainstream recovery narrative doesn’t account for them. It paints addiction as an all-consuming force, where relapse equals failure, and abstinence is the only measure of success. That’s simply not the reality for many.

Relapse with Intention

What if, instead of framing relapse as a catastrophic failure, we saw it as an opportunity to learn? What if, instead of fearing the drink, we asked:

• What’s driving me to want this right now?
• What am I hoping alcohol (or another habit) will relieve or change?
• Do I have better choices available that align with what I truly need?
• Alcohol is highly effective at lowering inhibitions-no matter who you are, one drink makes the second easier to reach for. So, if drinking is the choice you’re considering, have you made arrangements to ensure it’s truly a conscious decision?
• Have you planned for your safety-putting up your car keys, disabling social media, or setting boundaries around your environment?
• Are you prepared to take responsibility for the experience without self-condemnation?
• Can you use this moment as a learning opportunity rather than a reason for shame?
• What if, instead of measuring success by a sober clock, we measure our progress in other ways?

This is relapse with integrity — an approach that honors the reality of human experience. Every decision we make presents an opportunity to pause, reconsider, and change course. It removes the “all or nothing” pressure that so often keeps people trapped in cycles of self-loathing.

Reclaiming Personal Agency

Instead of feeling like a passive victim of addiction or recovery, what if you took back your power? What if every choice — even the ones that don’t align with your long-term goals were treated as data instead of defeat?

Numbing behaviors, including drinking, overeating, or any form of escape, don’t happen in a vacuum. They are responses to pain, discomfort, and a deep desire to feel different than we do in the moment. The key isn’t to live in fear of them, but to understand them.

Recovery shouldn’t feel like a looming shadow, waiting to betray you at any misstep. It should be about evolving awareness — moving beyond rigid shame and toward personal responsibility. You are not fragile. You are not an inevitable disaster waiting to happen. You are a person navigating life, making choices, and learning from them.

When relapse-whatever that means for you becomes an intentional, examined moment rather than an automatic failure, you open the door to true healing, not through fear, but through agency, grace, and self-respect.

About the Author

Teresa Rodden is a coach and writer dedicated to helping women in their prime reconnect with their true selves and create lives of purpose and meaning. As the creator of the 28 Day Resolve program, she offers compassionate support for those seeking recovery from harmful patterns, including overuse of alcohol, food, or other behaviors. Her work focuses on reducing stigma and shame, encouraging women to embrace their brilliance, and guiding them toward a path of authenticity and fulfillment. Connect with Teresa for inspiration and practical tools to rediscover your best self.